


I'll Still Have Me

by ByunDumb



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 03:17:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19076383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ByunDumb/pseuds/ByunDumb
Summary: If I don't have you, at least I'll still have me.





	I'll Still Have Me

_I broke my back 'cause_

_I thought you would too_

_I'd run in circles_

_I thought you would too_

Baekhyun thought about how the next day would be perfect. He had the day off and could not wait to see what Chanyeol would think about the dinner they would have. He set the plate of spaghetti down as his lover walked through the front door.

"Hey, Baek," Chanyeol said, placing a light kiss on Baekhyun's head. "It smells delicious in here."

Baekhyun smiled. "Thank you. I made us spaghetti. The garlic bread still has a little less than a minute left in the oven."

"Sounds amazing, babe." Chanyeol loosened his tie and headed for the bathroom. "Let me wash up and I'll be right out."

"Okay," Baekhyun said, moving toward the cabinet to grab two wine glasses. He set them at the table and filled them with the red wine they had. He grabbed the garlic bread out of the oven once the timer went. After place the bread on each plate, he sat down and waited on Chanyeol, taking a sip of his glass of wine. A moment later and Chanyeol left the bathroom, his tie gone and hair unruly. It made Baekhyun smile. He loved seeing Chanyeol dressed down after a long day at work.

Chanyeol grinned at him as he sat in the seat opposite him. "This looks amazing, I can't wait." Baekhyun could not take it anymore.

"Are you excited for tomorrow?" Baekhyun asked. He bounced excitedly in his chair.

Chanyeol furrowed his eyebrows and gave Baekhyun a questioning look. "What's tomorrow?"

Baekhyun paused. Slowly his smile started to fall. "Please tell me you didn't forget," he quietly begged. Chanyeol looked like he still did not know what he was talking about. He could feel the tears sting his eyes. "It's our three year anniversary."

Chanyeol's eyes widened for a moment before he gave Baekhyun an apologetic look. "Babe, I'm so sorry I forgot. I can't call in tomorrow, there's an important meeting happening. I'm so sorry, Baek." He placed his hand lightly on Baekhyun's. Baekhyun looked down at there hands and gave a small smile.

"It's okay," he said as he wiped the unshed tears away. "We can always do something another time, right?"

Chanyeol gave him a smile. "Right." They went back to eating. Baekhyun felt his heat crack a little.

Baekhyun cried alone in the shower that night.

_Maybe in another life_

_Everything worked out alright_

_And things that made this harder passed us by_

"You can't just decide things by yourself, Baekhyun!" Chanyeol yelled.

"You're never here to talk about it, Chanyeol!" Baekhyun yelled back, throwing his clothes in a suitcase.

"I have work, Baekhyun! I can't just up and leave!"

"I already talked to your boss," Baekhyun calmly replied, putting some of Chanyeol's clothes in a different suitcase.

"This isn't just your decision to make!"

"I get that!" Baekhyun quickly turned to Chanyeol. "But this is a once in a lifetime chance! Why don't you want to go with me?"

Chanyeol stopped at Baekhyun's sad tone. He let out a long breath and lightly grabbed Baekhyun's face. "Of course I want to go with you, but I'm so close to getting the promotion." Chanyeol saw Baekhyun's glassy eyes and finally gave in. "Okay," he said with a sigh, "we'll go. And we're gonna have lots of fun." He kissed Baekhyun's nose and left the room.

Baekhyun quietly let the tears fall as he looked at the right poorly hidden by his clothes. Was it really the right time?

_But there's no bad dream to wake up from_

_Know I got it bad when it's the morning_

_And you're all that's on my mind_

Baekhyun wakes up with tears on his face. Every day he wakes up from the same dream, only to realize it is not a dream. It is real life and it hurts. Why is it not just a dream? All he wants is to be happy. Why did it have to end? Baekhyun chokes on his tears. He lets out a loud sob and curls into a ball. The bed still smells like him. Everything still smells like him. It hurts. Baekhyun's heart shatters. It hurts so much. It was not supposed to be like this. They were supposed to be together forever. And now they are not.

Baekhyun's whole life is shattered and there is nothing he can do about it. Chanyeol is gone. Baekhyun screams. He does not care for his neighbors. He is the only one. It breaks him. Because Chanyeol left. Now it is only him and he does not want that. He never wanted that. It hurts and he cannot breath and his voice is breaking. He becomes silent. That is all there is for him. Silence.

He rolls over to see the time. Eight. He still has an hour until work. He gets up to shower. Now it is time to get back to the real world. He pushes Chanyeol to the back of his mind. A distant memory. And he does not leave. Why would he? Baekhyun wants to die, but he cannot. He has a life. He has family and friends. He cannot leave. But he can break. He can break only in the morning. When he is alone and Chanyeol is the only thing on his mind. He can break, but only then.

_If I don't have you_

_At least I'll still have me_

_And if I don't have you_

_At least I'll still have me_

Baekhyun dances lazily around his living room. He takes a sip from the small bottle of wine in his hand, laughing as he stumbles. He spins towards the mirror hanging on the wall. He smiles at the reflection he sees. He is himself again. Happy and carefree. He missed this. How he could be crazy and wild. Of course he still hurts, but now he can breath. He still misses Chanyeol in the mornings, but he does not cry. He smiles at the memories. They are happy and should make him happy. He is back to himself and that is all he needs.

He speaks to his friends and family again. He smiles, he laughs, he sings. He is healing and it feels amazing.

_I never thought twice_

_'Cause you were my number one_

_I put you first 'cause_

_You were my only thought_

Baekhyun fiddled with his shirt as he waited for Chanyeol. He had planned this for a month now and he could not wait for Chanyeol's reaction. He took a deep breath as he saw headlights in the window. He quickly lit the candle and held the cake with both hands. He moved closer to the door as he heard the car being shut. He took a deep breath as he heard the lock turn.

"Happy birthday!" Baekhyun exclaimed as Chanyeol walked through the door.

Chanyeol paused as he took in all of the decorations. The banner hanging on the wall with his name on it, all of the fairy lights hanging up, rose petals on the floor, and finally Baekhyun. He was dressed in a plain black t-shirt and blue jeans holding a cutely decorated cake with happy birthday iced on it.

Chanyeol stared at Baekhyun in awe. "I thought you weren't going to be able to make it," he said quietly.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world, silly," Baekhyun replied, moving closer.

"I thought your deadline was today and you had to meet with your editor?" he mumbled still looking at Baekhyun as if he was a dream.

Baekhyun smiled brightly at him. "I pushed it back a week. There was no way I could miss my giant's birthday. Now hurry," Baekhyun said, pushing the cake towards Chanyeol, "blow out the candle and make a wish! We have a movie to catch and dinner with friends to have."

Chanyeol quickly closed his eyes to make a wish and blew out the candle. "I still can't believe it," Chanyeol whispered.

"Well, believe it," Baekhyun said, kissing his lips. "Now come on, lets have a slice before the movie."

_No more riding on the train_

_No more smoking in the ally_

_Now my secrets only stay with me_

Baekhyun watched as Chanyeol stomped on the cigarette he dropped on the ground. He looked around the corner of the building they were next to before grabbing Baekhyun's hand and pulling him out of the ally.

"You know," Baekhyun started, "someone is going to catch you one day, right?"

Chanyeol chuckled, intertwining his fingers with Baekhyun's. "Nah, it's our little secret. No one will know."

Baekhyun rolled his eyes as they continued their walk to class. Baekhyun looked over to Chanyeol. The way the light hit his hair brought out the caramel highlights and Baekhyun's heart skipped a beat. He really was lucky.

Baekhyun is pulled out of his thoughts as Chanyeol steered him towards the bus stop.

"So, tell me a secret of yours," Chanyeol said as he wrapped his arm around him.

Baekhyun stared at Chanyeol. He narrowed his eyes before he decided to humor him.

"When I take showers at night, I pretend to have a concert and be interviewed."

Chanyeol laughed as he kissed Baekhyun's cheek. "That's amazing. You're so cute, and I love you so much."

"I love you too," Baekhyun said with a smile.

_Everybody knows I'm upset_

_They don't even have to ask it_

_They know I believed in us last week_

Baekhyun was curled in a ball as he sobbed. His best friends, Minseok and Kyungsoo, watched on not knowing what to do. They had been happy. There was no sign of them breaking up. It made no sense to the two friends. Kyungsoo scooted closer to the sobbing male to run his hand through his hair. He had no idea what happened, but he knew Baekhyun needed them. So, he pulled Baekhyun into his lap and hummed as he rubbed his back.

Baekhyun did not need to say anything, Minseok and Kyungsoo would always be there. No matter what. And that is all that mattered to him.

_There's no reason to speak badly_

_We just reached our end_

_I will see you in parts of me_

_In who I was back then_

Baekhyun finally goes back to his favorite cafe. The barista seems surprised to see him. Baekhyun smiles slightly as he walks towards the counter.

"Where have you been? I thought you had died!" the barista exclaims.

"Of course I'm not dead, Jongdae," Baekhyun replies with a chuckle.

Jongdae looks around the store with a raised eyebrow. "So, where's Chanyeol?"

Baekhyun's smile falls as he looks down. "He broke up with me a few months ago." Jongdae's eyes widen and his mouth falls open. Baekhyun can see the regret of bringing him up all over his face. Just as quickly as the regret was there, it is turned to anger.

"That bastard," Jongdae all but yells. He quickly apologizes to the customers that look on with disdain. Baekhyun bites his lip and shakes his head.

"Don't say that. It was for the best. Better to end it now than to continue on and end up despising each other." Jongdae narrows his eyes at Baekhyun and he lifts his lips up into a half smile. "Hey, on the bright side, I found this cafe because of Chanyeol."

Jongdae stares for a moment before he sighs and straightens up. "That is true. Now, would you like the usual?"

Baekhyun lets a smile take over his face as he nods. "Yes, I would."

_If I don't have you_

_At least I'll still have me_

_And if I don't have you_

_At least I'll still have me, me, me_

Baekhyun smiles at the mirror as he gets ready for Minseok and Jongdae's wedding. He always thought he would be the first of all of his friends to get married. It is fine that he is not though, because he is happy and that is all that matters. No matter what, he has himself. And the beautiful people around him make things even better. So, for now everything is perfect.

He stands next to Minseok as his best man and everything is amazing. His heart is healed and his world is whole again. All he needs is the love he has for himself.


End file.
